askthomassteele:

…MR. EGBERT, IS THAT YOU IN THE CORNER?

HOLY SHIT. THIS IS SO JOHN. LOOKING STUPID AS EVER. YES. 

IT HAD LARGE BODIES OF WATER. IT WAS JUST NOT A PLACE WE SHOULD GO. IT WAS DANGEROUS AS FUCK. MY PLANET WAS FILLED WITH DANGEROUS FAUNA THAT WOULD BITE OFF YOUR HEAD AND PLAY WITH YOUR REMAINS UNTIL FINALLY DECIDING TO INGEST YOU OR USE YOUR IMAGINATION AND PICTURE YOUR LIFE ENDING THE BIGGEST CLUSTERFUCK POSSIBLE IN THE CLAWS OF A DEADLY ALTERNIAN CREATURE. MY OWN FUCKING LUSUS WAS SICK. HE WOULD EAT HIS OWN KIND. OR YOU KNOW. BRING DEAD ANIMALS IN THE FRONT DOOR. AND NO MATTER HOW LOUD I YELLED. HE STILL DID IT. 

BUT ANYWAY. SPECIFIC THINGS THAT AREN’T LIKE EARTH? WELL FOR STARTERS. ALTERIAN WAS A HUGE PLANET. I NEVER ACTUALLY SAW THE SEA BECAUSE I LIVED TOO FUCKING FAR FROM IT. IT HAD TWO MOONS. ONE PINK AND ONE GREEN AND MOST OF THE TIME IT WAS DARK DUE OF EQUINOXES. HOW THE HELL WOULD WE BE NOCTURNAL TO BEGIN WITH IF THE PLANET WASN’T MOSTLY DARK, MH? THAT’S PRETTY OBVIOUS, ACTUALLY. OTHER THAN DANGEROUS FAUNA, A DIFFERENT CALENDAR, ALIENS KIDS, DIFFERENT TYPES OF ARCHITECTURE, TWO MOONS? DOUBT ITS REALLY SPECIAL. A PRETTY BORING PLACE.

HARRY.. HARRY. YOU WOULDN’T EVEN GET IT. LIKE YOU CAN’T EVEN GET HOW A FUCKING WOMEN WORKS. YOU’RE JUST A DISGUSTING MAN WHO WANTS PUSSIES. AND FROM WHAT I OBSERVED. MAN LIKE THIS NEVER GET WHAT THEY WANT IN PB. I WOULD GIVE YOU ACTUAL ADVISES ON YOUR FUCKING COMPORTMENT TO HELP YOU OUT IN YOU QUEST. BUT YOU DON’T SEEM LOOKING FOR WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL LOVE. YOU’RE JUST LOOKING TO SCORE YOUR HUMAN MALE GENITALIA IN A FEMALE ONE, EVEN IF ITS A ROBOT. I HATE YOU. THAT’S FOR FUCKING SURE.

YES.

I COUNT ON THOMAS THE MOST. NOT THAT ITS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS. BUT WE ARE VERY CLOSE, I NEVER WOULD COME TO BELIEVE I WOULD FILL A QUADRANT WITH SOMEONE OUTSIDE MY SPECIE. AS MUCH AS THE BASIC PURPOSE OF MOIRAILIGENCE IS ‘CALMING SOMEONE DANGEROUS’ OUR RELATIONSHIP ALLOWS BOTH OF US TO BE THE MEDIATOR. FOR WE ARE BOTH DANGEROUS TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. BY THE WAY, YOU NOOKSNIFFING INGORANTS, MOIRAILIGIENCE IS WHAT YOU IDIOTS CALL LOVE ON THE PLATONIC LEVEL. YES, I DO PERCEIVE THOMAS LIKE MY SECOND LUSUS AND LOOK UP TO HIM LIKE HE WAS MY FUCKING ROLE MODEL. HE’S AWESOME.

HE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE I TRUST. THE LIST IS VERY SMALL, ACTUALLY. 

I COUNT ON TERRA AND HER FATHER MADUIN. THEY HAVE BOTH BEEN OF GREAT HELP IN THE PAST. MADUIN HAS HELPED ME WHEN I FLIPPED OUT. WHILE TERRA HAS ALWAYS BEEN TRYING HER BEST TO MAKE ME HAPPY. AND IF YOU KNEW ME, PLEASING ME IS NOT  AN EASY TASK. TERRA AND MADUIN ARE BOTH PEOPLE I WOULD ENTRUST WITH MY LIFE OR ANYTHING ELSE I VALUE IN MY PATHETIC EXISTENCE. 

MOVING ON…

NOW THERE IS THE OTHER TROLLS. 

I CAN COUNT ON SOLLUX TO HELP ME OUT IN EMOTIONAL DISTRESS. WE WOULD FIGHT TOGETHER TO RELEASE SOME STEAM. EVEN IF OUR FIGHTS SOMETIME ENDS UP BY ONE OF US TRYING TO KILL THE OTHER. IF I WOULD DESCRIBE OUR RELATIONSHIP IN A THERM YOU WOULD ALL UNDERSTAND, IT WOULD GO LIKE THIS: FRIENDLY RIVALRY. WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER, THIS GOES UP SINCE THE EARLIEST STAGE OF OUR CHILDHOOD. NEVER GOING TO LET YOU DOWN, BRO. NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT.

SAM. SHE WOULD NEVER COMPROMISE WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO HER. AND SHE IS GAMZEE’S MOIRAIL. SHE IS A PERSON I TRUST AND WOULD GO SEEK IF I DID NEEDED HELP.

EQUIUS AND NEPETA. EQUIUS AS BEEN LOYAL TO ME AS FAR AS I REMEMBER. AND THIS EVEN IF I AM NOT ANYWHERE CLOSE HIS PLACE IN OUR STUPID TROLL HIERARCHY SYSTEM THAT NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT. I AM PROUD OF HIM TO HAVE AT LEAST TRIED TO CHANGE FOR THE NEW WORLD WE ENDED UP IN. I CAN COUNT ON HIM TO HAVE HIM BY MY SIDE IN A BADASS MOVIE LIKE SCENE, BACK TO BACK AND SURROUNDED BY ..I DON’T KNOW. WE’LL SAY STUPID NINJAS. EVEN IF HE DOES MAKE ME FLIP MY TABLES, HE’S DECENT FOR HALF OF THE TIME. NEPETA IS ANNOYING AS FUCK. I SOMETIMES ENJOY TO ARGUE ON A PURPOSELESS SUBJECT. BESIDE ROMANCE,  AND OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE TROLL ROMANCE IS FASCINATING AS FUCK. BUT I KNOW IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, NEPETA WOULD BE ONE OF THE FIRST TO COME TO MY AID. 

I DO COUNT ON GAMZEE. I KNOW HE WOULD BE THERE FOR ME IF I EVER ASKED HIM TO. HE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR A FRIEND… JUST TO TRY TO MAKE ME PLEASED. AND WHEN I’M UPSET HE WOULD JUST. LISTEN. EVEN IF ITS COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS. THAT CLOWN IS LIKE A FUCKING SPONGE THAT ABSORB YOUR FUCKING EMOTIONAL STRESS. THANKS MAKARA FOR BEING THERE.

TEREZI. I DON’T EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY. SHE HAS BEEN THERE AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER, EVEN IF SHE EMASCULATED ME MOST OF THE TIME. LAUGHED AT ME AND TROLLED ME… BUT I KNOW SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO REMAIN WITH ME AND HELP ME WORK THINGS THE RIGHT WAY AND TRY MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES TOGETHER.

LIVEWIRE AND JANA. THEY WOULD BE GREAT TROLLS IF THEY COULD UNDERSTAND OUR CULTURE. LIVEWIRE OFTEN CHANGE HERSELF IN A TROLL WITH THE SPECIE GUN, AS MUCH AS I WOULD FIND THIS AN INSULT, I DON’T. FOR SHE MAKES SOLLUX HAPPY AND SHE TOO CAN DEAL WITH HIS CRANKY BIPOLAR ASSWIPE SELF. AFTER ALL SOLLUX HAS WENT THROUGH HE DESERVED AS MUCH. JANA, BECAUSE I DO CONSIDER HER AS A FRIEND. SHE FINDS MY TROLLING AMUSING AND SHE EVEN BACK ME UP IN MY MASTERY. 

I AM BASICALLY SURROUNDED BY THE BEST PEOPLE I COULD EVER FUCKING HOPE FOR. ITS WEIRD… THIS THING CALLED FRIENDSHIP. I WOULD NORMALLY SAY ITS A HUGE MISTAKE OF NATURE, BUT NOT REALLY. I BELIEVE NOW THAT ITS A NICE THING TO HAVE, ITS NEEDED IN SUCCESS. OR JUST IN LIFE. I COULD MAYBE NAME OTHER PEOPLE BUT I AM GETTING A LUMP IN MY SQUAWK BLISTER… THIS WILL BE ALL…….

THAT WOULD IMPLY STOPPING TO BREATH. QUITE UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU. NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT OF WHAT YOU THINK. ALAS I NEVER FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP. DEAL WITH IT, FUCKASS.

IF YOU THINK THAT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE ALL ACROSS THE LAND INTO THE FUTURE WHEN WE GROW UP. YOU’RE FUCKING DELUSIONAL AND SICK IN THE FUCKING HEAD. WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE? ITS NOT EVEN YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. SO YOU CAN GO POINT YOUR PROBING BUSYBODY SNIFFNODE UP YOUR OWN IMPERTINENT SEED FLAP. 

YOU MEAN THE ONES THAT I TELL ABOUT MY DREAMS? MAYBE NOT ON HERE. I’LL THINK ABOUT IT. THOSE STORIES ARE BETTER TOLD ON THE SPOT. THOUGH I’M FUCKING CERTAIN THAT YOU WOULD READ IT IF IT WAS A BOOK. IT WOULD OBVIOUSLY BE THE BEST BOOK IN EXISTENCE ANYWAY. JUST BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT. 

ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO? 

FIRST OFF. LEARN TO SPELL MY FUCKING NAME PROPERLY. AND YOU’RE TYPING QUIRK. I CANNOT TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY OVER THE FACT YOU TYPE LIKE SUCH A FUCKING RETARD. UGH.

WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING MOTHER? I THINK YOU IDIOTS HAVE BOUNDARIES OVER SUCH THINGS LIKE THIS. BUT THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. YOU ARE ABNORMALLY AVOIDING THIS FUCKING POINT. PLATONIC LOVE=/=SEX. HOPE YOU ENJOY SEEING YOUR FUCKING SHIP SINK, BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE SENDING AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF FUCK-YOU-TORPEDOES ONE AT THE FUCKING TIME UNTIL THERE WAS NO FUCKING TRACE LEFT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IF I FIND YOU…

YOU

ARE

NEXT. 

THERE IS ONLY THING I WILL RESPOND TO THIS. AND ITS POINTING THE DOOR WITH A STERN FUCKING LOOK WHILE YELLING AT YOU TO WALK YOUR ROYAL FLIPPING OUT TREACHEROUS HIPSTER ASS OUT BEFORE I CHOKE YOU WITH YOUR STUPID LOOKING SCARF. 

FIVEFUCKASSES! 

BUT SINCE THAT ANSWER WAS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS. WHY ASKING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE? SO I WILL GIVE YOU AN ALTERNATIVE ANSWER TO SATISFY YOUR STUPID CURIOSITY. ON THE 12TH PEDRIGREE’S EVE I GOT YOUR MOTHER-LUSUS-THING.